I feel like there is so MUCH I want to say and I just can't seem to put it into words. Those beautiful explanations of fantastic events. I just, ugh. I want to write all the things in the world, create all the stories for all the minds in the world to just absorb themselves into. So why can't I just do that? Oh, at the same time I want to create fantastic food, make a carrot taste like an egg just by changing the molecules and what have you. But wouldn't that need me to actually make a decision? Well, that seems to be the problem of it all, the ultimate question of my life. That one question that is suppose to just make everything click! But I know that's not how it works. Thats never how I work. I always get what I wanted and like a greedy human I want more and more. I guess that is how we grow? Its how we develop, right? If that's the case, I'm sick of developing.

But again, I know I'm not. The second I make a decision I second guess it and doubt myself nine times over. I wonder what Its all for sometimes. I am trying and trying and seem to be spinning backwards in my own mind. Is it simply that? I'm stepping forward but thanks to my own miserable opinion of myself I cannot see it? Again, Ugh.

I just want to write. Or cook. Or even for that matter I'd love to act. Oh, how that would be. For that matter I'd love to animate, to draw! If I had just an ounce of self confidence that people suspected I have then, oh that'd be a wonderful sight to see! I would be a fierce force to be reckoned with! But isn't that what i've been trying to build the last few months? By working out and busting my hump to feel like my body is well, my body. I guess I'm just not quite there yet. But again I ask myself why? What dictates my happiness and why? If I could find that I think all my answers would be complete. Am I the one who really choses what I do, or is it others? Do I really have as much say in my own life as I think I do? Sometimes I really wonder.

Why can't I be a "normal" teenager and not worry about things like this? It'd be a lot easier thats for sure.

OH. That song? Its Mumfords newest "I will Wait", Their second CD will be out Sept.24th and I am so pumped for it!!

This was uh, very scattered...