How interesting.
You know when you just start doing things and all of a sudden things fall out of your range of view? They seem to disappear even though they are a constant thing. They are always there, just right out of sight. This is what happened here. I completely forgot about this blog. I managed to click onto a blog here from a website I was on and I was still signed on. I can't even think of the last time I was on here. My last post was well over a year ago, and these blog posts date all the way to pre-college for me. Its interesting to look back, its like looking into the looking glass, a whole different world.
I would have never imagined myself where I am now two years ago, yet alone a year ago.
Texas has been good to me. It has allowed me to reinvent myself. To become something I might not have been in the town I grew up in. But unfortunately, that hasn't worked out exactly as I had hoped. I mean I always have these big amazing expectations that always seem to fall flat of my over the top expectations. I've come to terms with a lot of things in the last year. I've come to accept a lot of things, but I have also learned that I don't have to accept things. That is what it is to be an adult. This is a relatively new lesson for me. Its been a journey, that is for sure. I embarked on this journey a year ago. This was the time I got hired on at The Disney Store.
So much has happened since then.
For one, I got promoted. I'm not just a Cast member, I am a lead! Since the end of the spring semester I've been helping run the show. It's been a very good learning experience for me and I'm struggling through this thing called adulthood. I'm coming to the very real conclusion that no one is really an "Adult", there isn't one defining thing that brings you to adulthood over another thing. It just gradually sneaks up on you and sometimes it wonderful and other times its not.
I've actually really come full circle in a lot of things. I'm starting to gain confidence that I never had. Partly because of having lost some of my weight, but also because of the things I'm doing. I've met so many people, I've seen a ton of things and I'm just always learning.
I've been amazed with some of the things I've done. Its really insane to think of what state of mind I was in only a few years ago. I can remember being told ages ago by someone that they thought I was clinically depressed. That somehow for years that stuck to me. That I had to prove that I wasn't, that everything was okay and that nothing was wrong and I was stronger than that. Well I've learned that being strong doesn't mean not having issues. Being strong is learning to deal with those issues. I wake up in the morning not feeling as miserable as I once did. I don't wake up, and for lack of a softer way to put this, want to off myself. I once lived in a really dark place. I lived in a place that no one could pull me out of besides myself. I still fall into this place from time to time, but I see a light that I didn't used to see. I struggle from time to time and the difference between now and when I was a child is I know that this is perfectly fine. That there is no harm in needing a bit of extra help.
The more confidence I gather, the more I realize that I can do things that I was once afraid to do. I am trying, and I mean that earnestly. I've slipped in these last couple months as far as my fitness, but my goals are still the same. They are actually a bit stronger. I haven't gained any weight back- but I feel myself not being as strong as I once was. I want to continue on my journey and I want to help others on theirs. Which is why I decided that I am going to double major. My Major is Nutrition which will allow me to do so many things. It'll mainly allow me to help those who think of food as the enemy rather it be through bulimia or anorexia, because nothing feels worse than thinking you don't deserve to eat because you look a certain way. Not only that but there is a lot of psychological things that go with food and working out and how things turn into a battle of will. How most of the things we do in life are mind over matter.
I want to help people not only love themselves but also love the world they live in despite what others say. It is hard to move past things that go on, and as a society we aren't always so accepting to people in serious need and I want to change that. Not only in a mental focus but a food focus.
Just an update. Perhaps I'll find my way back again in a few days and think of some other curious things to write.
Amazing things happen when you start to love yourself. I recommend it to everyone.
