I feel like there is so MUCH I want to say and I just can't seem to put it into words. Those beautiful explanations of fantastic events. I just, ugh. I want to write all the things in the world, create all the stories for all the minds in the world to just absorb themselves into. So why can't I just do that? Oh, at the same time I want to create fantastic food, make a carrot taste like an egg just by changing the molecules and what have you. But wouldn't that need me to actually make a decision? Well, that seems to be the problem of it all, the ultimate question of my life. That one question that is suppose to just make everything click! But I know that's not how it works. Thats never how I work. I always get what I wanted and like a greedy human I want more and more. I guess that is how we grow? Its how we develop, right? If that's the case, I'm sick of developing.
But again, I know I'm not. The second I make a decision I second guess it and doubt myself nine times over. I wonder what Its all for sometimes. I am trying and trying and seem to be spinning backwards in my own mind. Is it simply that? I'm stepping forward but thanks to my own miserable opinion of myself I cannot see it? Again, Ugh.
I just want to write. Or cook. Or even for that matter I'd love to act. Oh, how that would be. For that matter I'd love to animate, to draw! If I had just an ounce of self confidence that people suspected I have then, oh that'd be a wonderful sight to see! I would be a fierce force to be reckoned with! But isn't that what i've been trying to build the last few months? By working out and busting my hump to feel like my body is well, my body. I guess I'm just not quite there yet. But again I ask myself why? What dictates my happiness and why? If I could find that I think all my answers would be complete. Am I the one who really choses what I do, or is it others? Do I really have as much say in my own life as I think I do? Sometimes I really wonder.
Why can't I be a "normal" teenager and not worry about things like this? It'd be a lot easier thats for sure.
OH. That song? Its Mumfords newest "I will Wait", Their second CD will be out Sept.24th and I am so pumped for it!!
Do you know what I haven't done in a really long time? No, It's not Blog. 'Cause my Tumblr is very active every day haha. I haven't posted a blog post here in forever! I feel like my life is not even what it used to be. Its so different that I feel like a different person. The move has been a huge sucess! There have been very few things that I've missed from Illinois. Mostly are people, I really miss my Granny, and I really miss being RIGHT next to my sister. I mean she's like my best friend and I hate that were so far away. And her little ones too, I miss them to pieces. I want to see them all the time, but thank god there is Skype. How grateful am I for technology?!
I've been staying with my Aunt and Uncle until my Mom finally gets down here, which has been quite a change too. Its been interesting to get to know them a bit more since they were never around growing up. We'd only came to Texas a few times while I was a kid so they are practically strangers, so is my Grandma. Though I did help her clean her house yesterday (SEVEN HOURS, OHLANTA.) I feel like I could learn a lot from her, she's a very strong independent woman and is well kicking into her 80's. We got to see the tail end of the Mens Beach Volleyball game and she mentioned she played in her 60's! I was like...WOW. Thats so fantastic! Not to mention Its a super inspiration. I mean, wow, Crazy.
Not to mention I got a Job finally! It took almost two months but one of the first places I applied for Hired me! dELiAs! How awesome is that? I know I did a lot of my outfit posts here with a lot of clothes from there so its pretty awesome to get that opportunity to work for them! Not to mention I was talked to about being hired onto as a guaranteed position on my second shift! How great is that? I'm really in love with the job and it's pretty fun! I hope it'll stay that fun for me!
Speaking of Fun?
I'm obsessed with Zumba. I've found a Class at the rec center near my brothers who has the most phenomenal teacher! She's so energetic and just keeps you going and oh wow! I just love it! Thanks to her I've actually added "Teach a Zumba Class" to my bucket list! Its great exercise! Not to mention I've been going to Golds too, I've turned into quite the fitness Junky, which is great! I did get to do something called "Moonlight Yoga" last night too, and it was really cool because it was focused on the breathing of everything and when we wen to meditate for the last part of the class we closed our eyes when the sun was up, and when we opened them the moon was out. It was fantastic! Just what I needed after a super long day of scrubbing floors!
I've been following more on my tumblr than anything but Maybe I'll turn this one into a Fitness thing too? Huh. Those of you who are interested my Tumblr is Petite-Fitness.tumblr.com! Fitblrs are seriously the most inspiration things in the world, if your wanting to be involved with fitness anything, i'd so make one! They are magical!
Something Else I've really been fascinated with lately is personalities. If you don't know about it already, you should take a look at the Meyers-Briggs personality test, its very crazy accurate! I ended up with the INFJ, The Protector/Giver. Its crazy how in depth it is and how much it really sounds like you! Not to mention the book "Strength Finders" Its pretty cool too. Its a personality test you do (You have to buy the book to get the code) and it gives you five characteristics from greatest to least that define you the most. Most people don't have the same mix, ever. It just develops your understanding of yourself and what your strengths are. It tells you to focus on those and not what your bad at. In our society thats what we always do "Your bad at this, so make it to where you aren't!" Where as this book tells you to focus on what you ARE good at and be the best at that! Its pretty cool!
Um. I feel like there is so much more I could ramble on about but I'm just drawing a blank right now, so I guess momentarily, thats it!
