Smiles

Comparison is the thief of Joy.

To be frank I can't tell you who first said it, but I remind myself of these words so much that I'm contemplating tattooing them onto my body. Six words. Six, small words that join to mean a deeply powerful phrase. I find myself on a day to day basis comparing myself to people. I've always done it, and It doesn't do anything but make me stir crazy. I pass people on the street, at work, at school, and I compare. Constantly assessing ways that their life is better than mine, or their grades are better or they have cooler things going on in their lives. When in reality its just something I've built up over the years to bring myself down. Its a habit I've been working on breaking, and with the success I have in it, I've noticed something else.

People don't smile.

When you walk into a room of people very few of them have a pleasant look on their faces. Its like they are ghosts passing though waiting for the rest of the day to just end. Which I understand, but at the same time It almost brings me down. I find myself smiling at things out of the blue. When the sun hits the trees just right and the pathways light up in a perfect natural way, that makes me grin. Seeing birds fly directly above you, or that one song that makes your insides jump, each makes me smile. The look on your pets face when they see you, sheer happiness. Even smiling makes me smile.

It makes me wonder what kind of world we are inheriting. There is something to be said about showing some sort of compassion even in the form of a smile. To me, thats the easiest and quickest way to show humanly compassion is just to smile.

Anyway. That seems to be all the words I can muster together at three in the morning.

Brief Update

How interesting.

You know when you just start doing things and all of a sudden things fall out of your range of view? They seem to disappear even though they are a constant thing. They are always there, just right out of sight. This is what happened here. I completely forgot about this blog. I managed to click onto a blog here from a website I was on and I was still signed on. I can't even think of the last time I was on here. My last post was well over a year ago, and these blog posts date all the way to pre-college for me. Its interesting to look back, its like looking into the looking glass, a whole different world.

I would have never imagined myself where I am now two years ago, yet alone a year ago.

Texas has been good to me. It has allowed me to reinvent myself. To become something I might not have been in the town I grew up in. But unfortunately, that hasn't worked out exactly as I had hoped. I mean I always have these big amazing expectations that always seem to fall flat of my over the top expectations. I've come to terms with a lot of things in the last year. I've come to accept a lot of things, but I have also learned that I don't have to accept things. That is what it is to be an adult. This is a relatively new lesson for me. Its been a journey, that is for sure. I embarked on this journey a year ago. This was the time I got hired on at The Disney Store.

So much has happened since then.

For one, I got promoted. I'm not just a Cast member, I am a lead! Since the end of the spring semester I've been helping run the show. It's been a very good learning experience for me and I'm struggling through this thing called adulthood. I'm coming to the very real conclusion that no one is really an "Adult", there isn't one defining thing that brings you to adulthood over another thing. It just gradually sneaks up on you and sometimes it wonderful and other times its not.

I've actually really come full circle in a lot of things. I'm starting to gain confidence that I never had. Partly because of having lost some of my weight, but also because of the things I'm doing. I've met so many people, I've seen a ton of things and I'm just always learning.

I've been amazed with some of the things I've done. Its really insane to think of what state of mind I was in only a few years ago. I can remember being told ages ago by someone that  they thought I was clinically depressed. That somehow for years that stuck to me. That I had to prove that I wasn't, that everything was okay and that nothing was wrong and I was stronger than that. Well I've learned that being strong doesn't mean not having issues. Being strong is learning to deal with those issues. I wake up in the morning not feeling as miserable as I once did. I don't wake up, and for lack of a softer way to put this, want to off myself. I once lived in a really dark place. I lived in a place that no one could pull me out of besides myself. I still fall into this place from time to time, but I see a light that I didn't used to see. I struggle from time to time and the difference between now and when I was a child is I know that this is perfectly fine. That there is no harm in needing a bit of extra help.

 The more confidence I gather, the more I realize that I can do things that I was once afraid to do. I am trying, and I mean that earnestly. I've slipped in these last couple months as far as my fitness, but my goals are still the same. They are actually a bit stronger. I haven't gained any weight back- but I feel myself not being as strong as I once was. I want to continue on my journey and I want to help others on theirs. Which is why I decided that I am going to double major. My Major is Nutrition which will allow me to do so many things. It'll mainly allow me to help those who think of food as the enemy rather it be through bulimia or anorexia, because nothing feels worse than thinking you don't deserve to eat because you look a certain way. Not only that but there is a lot of psychological things that go with food and working out and how things turn into a battle of will. How most of the things we do in life are mind over matter.

I want to help people not only love themselves but also love the world they live in despite what others say. It is hard to move past things that go on, and as a society we aren't always so accepting to people in serious need and I want to change that. Not only in a mental focus but a food focus.

Just an update. Perhaps I'll find my way back again in a few days and think of some other curious things to write.

Amazing things happen when you start to love yourself. I recommend it to everyone.

I've hit the 40lb mark.
I am crazy excited. I am flabbergasted and just so happy. I did some before/after shots, even though you know I'm not finished yet but even this progress is so different. I have a job at Disney which I'm in love with. Its that feeling of Nostalgia which just makes me feel at home and warm. The people are extremely great to work with and I'm just really loving it so far. I just feel content. I feel like things might not be figured out yet, but I'm okay. I'm living, breathing, getting healthier and its just okay.

I'm going in the direction of Nutrition. I feel like its really a great path for me. That I'm going through this life change to become a better, stronger me, and that nutrition has been a super big part of it. Not to mention the Austin area is super into fitness and nutrition and as a nation its up 16%. It'll be good to be able to help people but to also have really honestly been there before. There is nothing worse than talking to a doctor that has always had a thin or athletic build, and doesn't really know what you feel being overwheight. So I'd like to be there for people!

I've started this love of fitness and its a great obsession to have! It'll keep me healthy! And even though Its a long process, I know that the slower my progress the real-er my progress. It's actually going to last and I won't gain the weight back because it's a lifestyle change, not just a diet. So yes, thats it! That's my life right now, and I'm just really content with it!

I feel like there is so MUCH I want to say and I just can't seem to put it into words. Those beautiful explanations of fantastic events. I just, ugh. I want to write all the things in the world, create all the stories for all the minds in the world to just absorb themselves into. So why can't I just do that? Oh, at the same time I want to create fantastic food, make a carrot taste like an egg just by changing the molecules and what have you. But wouldn't that need me to actually make a decision? Well, that seems to be the problem of it all, the ultimate question of my life. That one question that is suppose to just make everything click! But I know that's not how it works. Thats never how I work. I always get what I wanted and like a greedy human I want more and more. I guess that is how we grow? Its how we develop, right? If that's the case, I'm sick of developing.

But again, I know I'm not. The second I make a decision I second guess it and doubt myself nine times over. I wonder what Its all for sometimes. I am trying and trying and seem to be spinning backwards in my own mind. Is it simply that? I'm stepping forward but thanks to my own miserable opinion of myself I cannot see it? Again, Ugh.

I just want to write. Or cook. Or even for that matter I'd love to act. Oh, how that would be. For that matter I'd love to animate, to draw! If I had just an ounce of self confidence that people suspected I have then, oh that'd be a wonderful sight to see! I would be a fierce force to be reckoned with! But isn't that what i've been trying to build the last few months? By working out and busting my hump to feel like my body is well, my body. I guess I'm just not quite there yet. But again I ask myself why? What dictates my happiness and why? If I could find that I think all my answers would be complete. Am I the one who really choses what I do, or is it others? Do I really have as much say in my own life as I think I do? Sometimes I really wonder.

Why can't I be a "normal" teenager and not worry about things like this? It'd be a lot easier thats for sure.

OH. That song? Its Mumfords newest "I will Wait", Their second CD will be out Sept.24th and I am so pumped for it!!

This was uh, very scattered...

HOLY BANANAS.

Do you know what I haven't done in a really long time? No, It's not Blog. 'Cause my Tumblr is very active every day haha. I haven't posted a blog post here in forever! I feel like my life is not even what it used to be. Its so different that I feel like a different person. The move has been a huge sucess! There have been very few things that I've missed from Illinois. Mostly are people, I really miss my Granny, and I really miss being RIGHT next to my sister. I mean she's like my best friend and I hate that were so far away. And her little ones too, I miss them to pieces. I want to see them all the time, but thank god there is Skype. How grateful am I for technology?!

 I've been staying with my Aunt and Uncle until my Mom finally gets down here, which has been quite a change too. Its been interesting to get to know them a bit more since they were never around growing up. We'd only came to Texas a few times while I was a kid so they are practically strangers, so is my Grandma. Though I did help her clean her house yesterday (SEVEN HOURS, OHLANTA.) I feel like I could learn a lot from her, she's a very strong independent woman and is well kicking into her 80's. We got to see the tail end of the Mens Beach Volleyball game and she mentioned she played in her 60's! I was like...WOW. Thats so fantastic! Not to mention Its a super inspiration. I mean, wow, Crazy.

 Not to mention I got a Job finally! It took almost two months but one of the first places I applied for Hired me! dELiAs! How awesome is that? I know I did a lot of my outfit posts here with a lot of clothes from there so its pretty awesome to get that opportunity to work for them! Not to mention I was talked to about being hired onto as a guaranteed position on my second shift! How great is that? I'm really in love with the job and it's pretty fun! I hope it'll stay that fun for me!

 Speaking of Fun? I'm obsessed with Zumba. I've found a Class at the rec center near my brothers who has the most phenomenal teacher! She's so energetic and just keeps you going and oh wow! I just love it! Thanks to her I've actually added "Teach a Zumba Class" to my bucket list! Its great exercise! Not to mention I've been going to Golds too, I've turned into quite the fitness Junky, which is great! I did get to do something called "Moonlight Yoga" last night too, and it was really cool because it was focused on the breathing of everything and when we wen to meditate for the last part of the class we closed our eyes when the sun was up, and when we opened them the moon was out. It was fantastic! Just what I needed after a super long day of scrubbing floors!

 I've been following more on my tumblr than anything but Maybe I'll turn this one into a Fitness thing too? Huh. Those of you who are interested my Tumblr is Petite-Fitness.tumblr.com! Fitblrs are seriously the most inspiration things in the world, if your wanting to be involved with fitness anything, i'd so make one! They are magical!

Something Else I've really been fascinated with lately is personalities. If you don't know about it already, you should take a look at the Meyers-Briggs personality test, its very crazy accurate! I ended up with the INFJ, The Protector/Giver. Its crazy how in depth it is and how much it really sounds like you! Not to mention the book "Strength Finders" Its pretty cool too. Its a personality test you do (You have to buy the book to get the code) and it gives you five characteristics from greatest to least that define you the most. Most people don't have the same mix, ever. It just develops your understanding of yourself and what your strengths are. It tells you to focus on those and not what your bad at. In our society thats what we always do "Your bad at this, so make it to where you aren't!" Where as this book tells you to focus on what you ARE good at and be the best at that! Its pretty cool!

Um. I feel like there is so much more I could ramble on about but I'm just drawing a blank right now, so I guess momentarily, thats it!

Okay, so it's been...a While. For one, I've got exactly three days until I leave for Texas and the only things between that and now is one review packet and one final, on the day I leave. Oh, and Packing. I haven't finished packing everything because whenever I tried to pack stuff up I just ended up pulling it all out in search for something I'd already packed! It was extremely counter productive! So now three days till- and I'm only half way packed. I should be able to get it all packed up in time, and if not then it must not be that important! My dad finally went and looked at a house, and the cool thing? Well, there are a few. I could literally bike to EVERYTHING, well besides school. But the house is so close to things that It literally blows my mind, it's something I'm not used to! Another cool thing about the house is it has a separate "living quarters", Aka, where I'm so going to be staying! Its sort of like a mini apartment, so I'm really excited to get down there and see it! But unfortunately no final decision has been made. I guess it'll happen in due time! I feel like I have three million things to say and I just can't think of anything to say. Hm. Well, I did post a picture, finally! Its a dress that I got a long time ago, and It looks far better than it did when I bought it. It'd from Delias, and the amazingly beautiful hard to walk in strut shoes are from payless I'm pretty sure! I was working on sorting my clothes a while ago and I made the ultimatum thanks to some tumblr followers to keep the dress, and those are the pictures that came with the verdict! Onward to a new topic? Erk. They say that blogging and writing stuff down makes you think a bit clearer, but a this point in time everything is so all over the place in my own mind it seems that even writing something sort of doesn't help. Lets see, other important things? Um. I've knocked four minutes off my running mile! Thats very exciting! I've actually come to love the trails that are in the town I live in and I try to get out there every day, but let me tell you heat+running=death. I really don't like to be hot, I don't mind sweating, that's not the problem. Its that nasty suffocate your face sort of heat that we have and just makes you gag. I HATE IT! But I get through it because I've felt my body get stronger over the last few months and I'm proud of my slow accomplishments! Oh! Not to mention I'd like to give a go at Yoga! They say that yoga is as successful as weight training, and Yoga is really good for stress levels. Since I stress out like a 95 year old woman I think it'd be really awesome to get into, no to mention I saw a video on Tumblr the other day that when I first saw it, I cried. It's so moving. WATCH IT! <3 And now that your all weeping like me, just remember that people can really do amazing things when they are pushed. Believe in things like that, because that's the only way your going to get through this crap hole we call "Reality". At that, I believe you make your own reality. A proverb says "Those who think they CAN'T, and those who think they CAN, are both usually right!" Hopefully I can keep more active on this, especially with moving, I'd like to document it in a way so I can look back and be like "Why was I so afraid to make this really amazing life altering step?" Anyway, that's all I can think of for now! Ciao!

Changes pt 1

So there have been some big big big changes since October. I realized the other day that I've focus on my tumblr, because I'm addicted but my blogger has been lacking. So for the biggest news? I'm moving from the place I've called "home" since I was two all the way across state to the lone star state. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's Texas. My brother already moved down there a month or so ago and is firmly settled. Me, I'm going to be headed to the dusty old south right after this semester is over, which means I'll be moving mid May and I can't tell you how excited I am. But at the same time its really difficult to do much of anything in the town I'm in now because of the nostalgic feelings that well up when I drive past somewhere I used to play as a kid, or a childhood friends house. Its like it'd almost be easier if I'd just move now and be done with it?

But at the same time I don't want to go. I mean Its the only place I've known! I've weighed my negatives and positives though and the positives of moving far out weigh the bad. But I'll try and do a bit more updates on more stuff, but for now thats all I have time to write :]